I wish I could be diagnosed.

I would love to sit down with a psychiatrist for a week straight and just have him ask me everything, and then write out a few things that he thinks about me. I think that I am very unique, but maybe not in a good way. Check it:

Women:
Based on hair color alone, I've exclusively dated blondes (with the exception of my darling Fiancee), though I'm more deeply attracted to brunettes. Or am I? I've yet to meet a brunette in person that I was ever infatuated with. I do notice that I'm more intoxicated with fictional brunettes, which leads to my next persona fuck up--

Fiction: Some people get sucked in to a series they read (Rhianna with Harry Potter and Twilight) or with a 'universe' (Stew and Dark Jedi), which is normal. I have a small, set core of things that I enjoy, and they're pretty much what you would think they would be (if you knew me). However, what most people don't know (with the exception of like my Mom and Rhianna) is that what influences me the most at a certain time is usually the last thing that I read/watched. I mean, it really has an affect on me. I watch a James Bond movie, then I want to be a spy. I read Neuromancer, and I'm dying for my robotic leg implants. I watch V for Vendetta, my love for Natalie Portman is rekindled.

Ultimately, I think I fall in love with ideas more than a particular physical thing. I imagine that with this diagnosis I would learn what the underlying theme throughout all the things I'm infatuated with. Is it a certain type of love within each of these? Can you compare "Star Wars: Episode 1" Natalie Portman with Jessica Biel in "The Illusionist"? Don't be so quick to say, "Jay Fair, they're both gorgeous women which is why you're like this!" I have a very particular taste in women, and honestly it seems to vary based on
A) The person.
B) What I'm into when I meet them.
C) Either what I've been 'used to' in the past (Bubbly Blondes) or the manisfestation of my 'dream girl' (Don't ask).
D) Other influences like place and time.

I know you're wondering, "What is your 'dream girl'?", and I don't have an answer for you because I don't understand myself well enough to describe her. It's not just physical features (Ask Haight or Nesbitt or Sneed, they'll all tell you that I have a particular taste in what I find physically attractive, and some women with the features that I like I don't find attractive), but some sort of amalgamation of what everyone wants; something that doesn't exist.

Maybe I'm attracted to the 'Damsel in distress', which is definately a theme amongst the fictional works I do like. Does that mean I have a need to be the rescuing hero? I don't like all damsel in distress type movies (Example: "A Walk to Remember" where Mandy Moore (Brunette) was dying from anal cancer or something, but compeltely unattracted to her and uninfluenced by the movie even though it matches a few of the pre-described criteria). What about the heros themselves? It seems like they have one strong thing about them that makes it romantic in itself. Some sort of ability, quirk, or temperment that I feel a connection with?

My next subject is how I compare to your a-typical male. The majority of other guys I encounter, especially in my current work enviroment, what you see is what you get. You meet someone and they say, "I like to shoot stuff, drink beer, and smash bitches." That's really all that makes them up, those three pre-programmed life ambitions. What is in my mental chemistry that sets me so far apart from them?

Good fiction does its job, it pulls me into another world that I desperately want to be a part of and not leave. Were that fiction to last forever, it would lose its appeal, for it would become the normal life itself.

Really, I think all of these questions might be answered by one thing: I have a brain tumor. I hope you enjoyed this, it was somewhat theraputic for me. Also of note, I love you Rhianna Brooke, I don't want you to think that I'm not happy with you, because I really am :)

9 Billion Years Into The Future!! (Echo)

I want to be a tech junkie. Well, I will be once I have the funds to do this. I don't know what kind of job I would need to be able to afford this, but here's what I'd love:

Phone - Always the newest and best smartphone with GPS, email connection, document editing, and blue tooth direct to my....

Laptop - Ultra portable, something that I would usually always have with me, or at least in my car. Super extended battery life with most focus being on quick power on to be able to edit programs (NetBeans) and send them to my phone.

Home PC - This would be my hot spot. An amazing machine with dual monitors and a graphic heavy monster. <3

I think this would be fun. I hope my fiancee does not think that I'm some complete nerd :) I love you Rhianna Brooke!